Hear what I'm not saying

Upon my strolls on some of the past readings I did, I stumbled upon this and I thought I would just share. Maybe help those who would want to be heard.

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the mask I wear.

For I wear a mask.

I wear a thousand masks.

Masks that I'm afraid to take off,

& none of them is me.

Pretending is an art

That is second nature with me,

But don't be fooled.

I give the impressions that I'm secure,

That all is sunny & unruffled with me.

Within as well as without.

That confidence is my name

& coolness is my game.

That the waters are calm

& I'm in command & I need no one.

But don't believe it. Please don't.

I idly chatter with you

In the suave tones of surface talk.

I tell you everything,

That's really nothing,

Nothing of what's really within me.

So when I'm going through my routine,

Don't be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully

& try to hear what I'm not saying.

What I'd like to be able to say;

What for survival; I need to say

But I can't say.

I dislike the hiding.

Honestly I do.

I dislike the superficial phony games I'm playing.

I'd really like to be genuine,

Spontaneous & me;

But you have to help me.

By holding out your hand,

Even when that's the last thing

I seem to want or need.

Each time you're kind & gentle & encouraging,

Each time you try to understand

Because you really care,

My heart begins to grow wings.

Very small wings. Very feeble wings.

But wings.

With your sensitivity

& power of understanding,

I can make it.

You can breathe life into me.

It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness

Builds strong walls.

But love is stronger than walls,

& there in, lies my hope.

Beat down those walls,

With firm but gentle hands

For a child is very sensitive,

& I am a child.

Who am I?

You may wonder.

For I am every man,

Every woman,

Every child.

Every human you meet.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Strangers silently we passed.
Only to look behind
The other's head has also turned.
One beautiful smile from you,
Relieved my heart of grieve.

Like honey, you cover the lawn
fleeting beauty-
In the cool morning air.
Many are the times
I wish.
I wish I would have you for my own.

When I say to you,
I pause & wonder.
I stop & ponder.
If what I have to say,
Truly holds promise.

Words, they say
are lightning strokes.
The wise pause & wait.
Only that the desire in me
Overwhelms my heart.

In quiet urgency
I want to say.
In the least bit of words,
You are special to me.

You are charming.
You have a sense of humour.
You make my heart radiant with joy.
You are very beautiful.
I wish
I wish I would have you for my own.

Perhaps it's the beautiful smile,
Or maybe your eyes.
The casualness & the great personality.
I don't want to end up a love-lorn
That is why I wish you feel the same way....

Something unique for your big day

It's that time when age is catching up with you and you are still searching.... Yap! I'm there. It starts growing on you when all these hints keep flashing across your face or screens. Somehow good or bad, I am in the event decor business so being part and parcel of weddings is more of a monthly thing. Creating those precious memories for brides and grooms is no easy job, but someone has to do it.

At times we get to sit for the whole ceremony and that is when the reality hits you that you should walk down the aisle some time in the future. At times I'm grateful for no drama while dating but then just having someone to bug you daily or just be cheeky and goofy with is enough to take away a day's stresses. I know you're wondering if I'm now getting all sad about not being in a relationship but there's a point to it.

On my usual Facebook scroll (not much to read on FB), I stumbled upon some video and the link was just all too enticing to ignore. We all know the usual Kenyan wedding program during the reception...

Guests (invited and uninvited) arrive and have their food- at times the food isn't enough.

Entertainment goes on as some MC mumbles on some instructions- some poorly crafted jokes.

Bride and groom arrive and dancing with guests- usual wedding songs and dance styles.

Bridal party seat at the 'high table' (do they smoke weed here?)...

Entertainment goes on- usual Kayamba groups perform, some 'upcoming' unknown singer too.

Unsolicited speeches from those shoshos you never knew existed...

Gift Practicals- by this I mean the bride demonstrating how she will cook/ carry a kiondo. some have even had to show how they will lie on their matrimonial bed... PG13...

Bouquet toss- this is where all the madness begins.

Procedure:

1. The DJ puts the usual Beyonce song... All the single ladies... 

2. The brave ones step up and get ready for the toss. 

3. Remove your heels.

4. Try and foresee the best direction the bouquet will go.

5. Look for the light weight girl than you can easily push out of your way.

The bride then tosses the bouquet and the scramble and partition for the flowers begins. That lady you saw gracefully arrive, is now fighting for those few stems. It starts reminding you of a scene on National Geographic or Discovery channel as lions fight for a piece of flesh from the fresh catch. Weeeeeellllll...... It's about time that we changed the routine. 

It might be your big day but doing something unexpected as in the video below goes a long way to show love and friendship.

It's a video about some bride... yeah! That's too vague. What this bride does during her bouquet toss is what amazes me. Enjoy and brides- to- be, do take a hint.

Violence is not of love

""The worst regret we have in life is not the wrong things we did, but for the thousands of the right things we did for the wrong people."

I have just seen this post on my Facebook account and I resonate with it so much as I am living this day in, day out. I don't know how I can start to explain how crushing it is to end a relationship even when it was just not going forward. I hate it when I have to put a stop to something that was once good and later on went to bad and worse and worst in an instance.

I am not a perfect and yes, I am stubborn, at times bossy and strong- headed (if there's a word like that). I will speak out when I see him doing something wrong, I will pout when I just don't feel like talking to him, I will go from angry to somehow smiling to laughing my ass off in a split second. I am hard at times to understand and I will change my mind twice or thrice, faster than Cookie can slap her son(Hakeem).... yeah, I just had to use that example. I will always say "I'm fine" even when I want him to just ask what the hell is wrong with me.

Every girl, woman, sister or aunt will be like this but even when I make these mistakes that will anger him, I don't expect him to lay a finger on me. I don't expect to join the growing number of statistics about violence in relationships and marriages. I don't expect to be threatened. I don't expect to have a black eye as though I got hit by a runaway bus. I don't expect to carry scars on my body to forever remind me of the stupid decision I made. I don't expect to keep crying for having fallen in love with his charm, only for him to later show me his true colors.

I don't expect to sit in silence for fear of ridicule and reprimand, from family and friends, for having loved him. He hit me and I hit back. There was no way I would just sit and wait to be killed as I watched. I defended myself and even made my point. That I was no weakling."

Just as the poem in the picture above says, the cycle never stops and once it starts, it goes on as long as the two parties may want to end it. No man/woman ever gets into a relationship or marriage expecting any form of abuse. No one expects or wishes the worst for themselves but at times we have no control over a person's emotions or reactions in any situation. We can only control ourselves. We can only do whats best for ourselves and for the relationship.

Walk away from it. It may hurt, it may feel like you will never love again. You may feel like you are a victim. You are not. You are a lesson, to yourself and to others in your situation. That despite all that happens, you can rise up and walk again. You can get up and love again. You can love yourself for the next person you meet. Do not despair because you are still alive to learn from your mistakes.
Violence is not of love but respect, trust, truth honesty and faithfulness is.

Young adult in my life

There are the times when you sit and think and analyse your life and come to the conclusion that you need someone to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I would really want the services of a psychiatrist but when I just think of the hours, sessions and payments to be made... I would rather stick to looking for non- charging individuals (close friend, best friend, friend-who-has funny-and-witty-remarks) who might end up giving their opinions instead of listening.

Actually this is better than silence. Holding it all in and acting as though I have it all together is an act that I have never quite mastered to the core. I end up looking like an insomniac, depressed and about to quit on life. Not good! I start to think of how my life sucks and that nothing is really going to work out... I know, positive thoughts = positive results... But hey! am HUMAN. I can't help it if I sulk for a while just to get over the depressive feelings I have over my current situation. Don't deny it, you've been here, through this road... confused on a way forward.

Well, there is always an upside to whenever you feel this way. One unexpected person will always cheer you up... Even if it may be for a short while. In my case, it's the young adult in my life. Just at 2 years old and she has the angelic and psychic power to note when am not okay. We call her young adult as she behaves quite like an adult, despite her age. Being a young mum bestows a sense of responsibility upon you. Stereotyping of young mums, day- to- day challenges of being the 20 something (under 25) you are, relationships musings, employment things and general life; have a way of making you feel older than you actually are.

She then dashes in, screaming and laughing (not swoop in like Superman but with the terrible twos in tow), just to jump on you, calling you 'Mama, Mama' as she cradles your face in her tiny hands. Trying to talk and mumble some sentence but all you can get is 'pepeti', 'mamasos' and dodon'. Well, as time goes buy you get to learn this other language and translations being, spaghetti, tomato sauce and Nickelodeon (in that order). Quite the simplest way to say, "I want food and cartoons."

A smile comes to your face as you realise what she is trying to tell you. The joy it brings to a mother to see her daughter try to construct sentences or pronounce words, is satisfying to me. With that fleeting chance to have a smile and forget my troubles, I am just grateful to have my young adult. I just have to appreciate the good moments she brings and get back to yelling as she tries to climb the stairs or scroll my phone. Aiyaya!